I still talk to my first sub from May 2022. This sub. The one I nicknamed SubZero (cringe). We've shared secrets, cried together, supported each other through chaos. He’s called me everything: Goddess, noona, lil bro. I asked him for advice – or really, just vented – about bad ex-subs, and he said I’m too open, shouldn’t admit I want to keep subs, give too much behind the scenes, and kill the magic. That’s why we didn’t work long-term, bro. *
He's got a point, but still, I won't stand for that. With a few words, I dropped him to his knees, made him beg, whine about how humiliating it feels to still be this weak, and make him leak and whine and ask when I’d control him again. It's so easy, so right, to fall for me again, huh? Nothing will change that, time, space, friendship... our first session I was not sure I was doing things right, but we just worked. That can't go away, and it's better just to let it be a funny thing that happens every few months. Or years. Look:
If subs say I can’t anymore, I will. Always. A little ego, probably, but also, how can they give me sub advice when they're getting something so fundamental so wrong? They haven't moved on. They didn’t get turned off by me. We can just be friends, sure, it didn't work out but... I still own their switch—I can turn it back on if I want to. Maybe they couldn't be truly submissive outside –but that's overall, not just me. I couldn't turn you, a whore, into a housewife. OK. You're still a whore though. And you like it, sometimes. It's been this way for three damn years bro! It's fine.
He has had hours, weeks, months of my venting, questions, insecurities, needs for reassurance, and tears—now had to ask when I’d work him again, when I'm available. He once described a long long text bomb as a chihuahua in a McDonalds on coke. (That can't be right, but when I'm talking I don't listen at all). He knew all my tricks, flaws, likes, dislikes, weak points, and still fell for every trick and command.
I know it wasn't flattery, this admission. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like subbing. He talked about a few 5 min sessions with hot Korean girls online, and an IRL he just did that blew him away—said he was really done with findom Twitter, maybe even femdom entirely and IRL would be his only indulgence, once in a while. He was keeping this twitter account just to chat with me.
But post-brief submission, he stopped chatting. Went silent. I told him to cut the shit—begging to cum and thanking me for that didn’t change how I saw him. He’s still my ex-sub and bro who yelled at me, blocked me, laughed at my inability to shut up, and reassured me when I doubted myself. I never thought less of him when he needed help, through panic attacks, problems, whatever. We're pals who sometimes do this weird thing.
It stayed weird until I demanded an answer to a pointless ex sub question at 12:30 AM... on New Year’s Eve. I was wrong to demand that. He was a little weird, but so was I, I guess... I thought I could still control him. He’s on the other side of the world, but I only cared about my time zone and making it about me again. Not right, not fair even if I did own him.
After 20 minutes of silence, I got cruel. Not domme cruel—human cruel. Told him if he kept this account just for me, feel free to delete. That I just realized I wanted his advice on shitty subs because he wasn’t so different from them, really. And I wasn't going into my 2025 with another sub who can't communicate and can't face who he is. Then I blocked him. By the time I cooled down and unblocked a day later, he was gone. I said in a very domme tweet that I blocked subs who were on/off and annoying, or too much work—I included him but that wasn't right. That was a mistake. I admit my mistakes because I don’t care if it looks “dominant.” I'm right 99% of the time, that 1% I will own up to, easy.
Some subs will never be good boys outside a narrow horny window. Some will be ashamed of that window too. I don’t own subs anymore, don’t need to hold on to them, I've stopped asking for that, except for 1-2 special cases. I don't ask to own, but I tell a sub if I want them, if I will work out something else because they matter to me. I will let them reject the offer, or (be smart) and say they will talk it out. I know some think that ability to reject is a sort of win, which is a lot like blocking, the smallest unit of power one can have online. D/s isn’t about winners and losers. Ghosting or rejecting me doesn’t mean they’ve won—it’s just mutual loss.
As friends, though, ex sub and the ex-domme who had something to prove, who took that little W for no reason, is also mutual loss. I blocked you, you ghosted, and if you still feel good about it, okay, but I don’t.
Bro, dude—I want you. I need to apologize for being a demanding asshole on New Year’s. Not even if I owned you as my CNC FT slut would midnight NYE attention be justified. You aren’t like other subs. You’re so far from empty and horrible that I still learn and am interested in new things about you three years later. And sorry, but I’ve got more yapping and stories for you to hear. I contain multitudes. You're the only other sub I waste this much thought and words on.
You were the first sub to suggest one-way cam, so you’re partly responsible for these awful subs. Also Discord vanilla chat, all the videos I sent you, the real deep techniques I bragged about—you know too much, I have to keep you close, too.
More than that, you’re a good friend and a sub I’m proud of—not for subbing, but for trying new things, telling me I inspired you, saying I helped you through things. I want to see how you turn out. I want you to keep me accountable, too. I can’t have made you gas me up just to turn out worse than these subs. Even if I and you leave, delete accounts, we are more than D/s. We still have a lot of annoying each other and arguing and panicking, and making fun of accents and Taemin videos to go.
- He also roasts and analyzes and feels pity for those subs too, that cheers me up. But everyone I yap at says that sub's trash, he's the only one that says where I could do better.